So I basically joined livejournal so I could join the proanorexia community, but it didn't take long before I realised that it took forever to be accepted. Anyways, I was hospitalised and went into recovery for a bit. Well recovery from my eating disorder. I got 'better', then turned 18, which meant I got into the clubbing scene. So then instead of throwing up my guts to cope, I was downing the alcohol and cigarettes and partying and clubbing pretty much every night. Then I 'recovered' from that, and my life started getting back together. Now I'm purging again. It seems I'm just not capable of coping with life the way others are. Anyways, I started watching the proanorexia community again, and decided I'd start actually using the journal part of this. I suppose it'll be a type of therapy.

So a bit about myself...

I'm an 18 year old living in Australia. I love travelling, but there is no country like this one. It's so unique and I don't think I could survive anywhere else. Anyways... yeah I'm in my first year out of school and my life has been hell since. I've always had a few issues. When I was younger it was social issues. But I grew out of that, and now I love being around people. When I got to high school though, it was coping issues I guess. I didn't cope with stress or change. I guess that's where my problems started. In high school there's always someone watching out for you. If you start to struggle there's always someone to take over for you. At least for me. Some people get messed up because they aren't loved enough. I'm loved too much. Well that's not right really, there's no such thing as too much love. I was just loved the wrong way. My dad is a great parent, I want to parent like him, just less angry and lazy. Mum on the other hand, had a crap childhood, and she wants to give us everything. Fair enough, but she never wanted to let us hurt either. So she'd always get rid of our problems for us instead of teaching us to get rid of them ourselves.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not making like I have this terrible life. I'm so so lucky compared to some people. Most people, really. But I guess with me being who I am, everything has affected me in a weird way.

So anyways back to being out of school. I was planning on taking a year off then going to uni to study education. I applied for uni with the intentions of deferring. I didn't get into teaching, but got into business, so for some stupid reason I decided to take business, which I couldn't defer. So I go to uni, and completely freak. Now I had problems with schoolwork in high school. Uni was a different ball game. That's when I started purging. I also started cutting again, which I had done on and off since I was thirteen. I ended up dropping out after first term, because although I liked it, I never wanted to work in it, and it was a huge waste of money.

Since then I've been stuck at my crap hole of a workplace. I work in this corner store which is run by a perfectionistic overachiever, so it's more like a small overpriced supermarket. Oh, and the only reason I got said job two years ago is because my mum works there. She's the manager now. I hate it. My mum pretty much lives there, and when she isn't there she's exhausted so she's either sleeping or cranky. I hate who she's become since she started there. I love my mum. But I used to like her too. I don't anymore. Anyways, people are always cranky when they come in, and the last year I haven't had the energy to get everything done, so I struggle when I'm there.

One of my problems is that I feel like I'm doing nothing. When I'm at work I'm doing jobs that no one cares about. I don't feel like I'm doing anything for anyone. And I like to help other people, to make them happy. But I feel like I'm making them sad, because they always get angry over prices and things. So as a result I only ever ask for one or two shifts, and mostly call in sick.

But then when I'm at home I feel terrible as well, because I'm just sitting around doing absolutely nothing and getting fatter.

So I've applied for uni next year, but I put my first preference as a uni which is 9 hours away. my best friend lives up there, so it seemed like a good plan. get out of the boringness and sameness of this town. but i realised the other day, after a couple of months, that town will be boring and the same, but I'll be away from the majority of my family and friends. and how am I supposed to cope with that? lol. Anyways, I came to a place where I decided I didn't care where I went, as long as I got into the course, because it's the only way I can be a teacher, which is what Ive always wanted to do.

Then dad dumps it on me the other day, that if I dont start earning proper money, and taking responsibility for myself, then I won't be allowed to move, even if I get in. So now I'm freaking out that I'm going to be accepted and then have to wait another year. I cannot stand another whole year of doing nothing and feeling like crap. And I can't get a job anywhere else. I must apply for ten jobs a week, but no one even rings me back. I've never gotten a job that I've actually applied for. And if this friggin place weren't so desperate for staff all the time, I wouldn't be there either.

So basically I've been pushing myself really hard the last couple of weeks to get to work 4-6 days a week. As well as get up at a reasonable hour every morning. both of which are hard for me, because I'm so depressed the doctor reckons. mind you, I've only just decided that I may actually be depressed in the last week or so. And I don't think I'm that much so, because most of the time when I'm around people I'm fine. It's just when I'm by myself that the thoughts come back.

So moral of the story is that because of this stress I've started the whole starving, bingeing, purging thing all over again. It's only been a week and a half and already my knuckles are permanently red, and will soon start bleeding again, my throat kills, my breathings getting messed up again and my heart's being weird. But all of those things make me feel good about myself. Because I make it happen. How sick is that?

There's a few other things going on, but I'm fairly wrecked and have an early morning, plus you all probably don't care and are sick of reading about my boring life, so I will sign off until another day.

Jess
xoxo